"Who Kicked Lion-o's Smarmy Ass?"
Dedicated to ThunderWolf

   Lion-o was out one morning investigating a vast stretch of barren land by staring at it, when all of the sudden...

    "Oh, shucks!" Shouted Lion-o, finding himself on the edge of an opening rift.  Instead of using his quick reflexes, Lion-o continued to stare at the ground as it became unstable.  As he did so, he began to slip, and eventually tumbled into the hole.

   "Weeeeeee!" Lion-o fell down, down, down into the pit, until he reached the bottom, where he was enveloped by a massive lake of pink bismuth.  Unable to see as he surfaced, he was met by a number of kicks and punched, and eventually, a boot to the head that knocked him out cold. 

    It was days until anyone cared to wonder where he'd gone to, and another few before anyone went looking.  Finally, Cheetara used her sixth sense to figure out where the Lord Lion-o was.  The other ThunderCats found him at the bottom of the pit, covered head to toe with pinkish crustiness.  He was able to demand that they find his attacker before he passed out in the back of the Thundertank.

"I've got an idea!" said Bengali at the council meeting.  "Why don't we just kick him in the head until he forgets that he was beat up so we don't have to chase all over the place and waste time trying to find whoever kicked Lion-o's ass?"

  "We can't do that!" reasoned Pumyra.  "It would waste even more time kicking that thick skull to a point where it would forget what we wanted him to forget.  Besides, we should find his assailants, if only to thank them for a job well done."

Completely ignoring Pumyra as usual, the other ThunderCats ruled out Bengali's idea.  "We have to go after whoever beat up Lion-o.  It's in the Code of Thundera." explained Tygra.

"We'll go, since we've been around longer, obviously making us more popular and appealing to readers." suggested Cheetara.  "And, we'll do it with stupid silly smirks on our faces, too."

So Panthro, Cheetara, and the other three hopped into the Thundertank and drove to their first stop, Castle Plundarr.  It wasn't that they actually thought the mutants would have been able to kick Lion-o's ass, it was just that it was the closest place, they were low on Thundrillium, and Panthro planned to gank some of the mutant's supply while Cheetara and Tygra questioned them.

"Nya-ha-ha, someone kicked his ass?  Well, I'm sorry to so I didn't get the pleasure of doing it."  Sighed Jackalman regretfully.

"Hooo-hooo-oooo, I didn't remember seeing S-s-slithe around much last week at all."  Monkian mentioned, shifting his gaze to the reptillian.

"I've been to my psychologist and doctor a lot this week, yesssss....I'm discovering my inner child thisss week."  Defended S-s-slithe.

"Have you been making any progress?" asked Tygra, making some small talk to give Panthro enough time to swipe the Thundrillium.  

"I've found that though children are tassstey, they can be a bitch on their way back out." 

Not wanting to find out anything further, the ThunderCats slipped away from Castle Plundarr and headed to the Black Pyramid, figuring that Mumm-ra had as good of a chance as anyone of kicking Lion-o's ass.

They decided to confront him as a group, and found him around the side of the pyramid, playing with Ma-mutt in his Feng Shui rock garden.  "I only wish I would have had the pleasure of kicking his ass."  Mumm-ra admitted, then set Ma-mutt down on the ground.  "But Ma-mutt and I have been having such a grand time moving small pebbles from one side of a two foot square area to the other, haven't we, Ma-mutt?"  Ma-mutt responded by pissing on the tiny Bonsai tree in the center of the garden.

Disturbed, the ThunderCats continued on, find Sky Tomb parked outside Robear Juan's taco stand.  Panthro boldly marched up to Luna, confronting her.  At first, the other mutants planned to do a little ass kicking of their own, but Luna stopped them.

"We had nothing to do with any recent incidents involving Lion-o and a kicked ass.  If we had been, we'd have been sure to kick all of your asses, and to leave a boot lodged up Lion-o's so that you'd have known it was us."  Luna promptly ordered Amok to turn around and walk away.

Saddened, the other Thundercats returned to the lair.  At the door, Snarf asked them for news.  Tygra looked down at Snarf, who was staring up past his unusually pale and ugly thigh, and said, "No luck, Snarf.  No one is admitting to it, and I don't think they're lying."

Snarf sadly went to Lion-o to give him the news.  Lion-o pondered what he was told from his recovery room.  "This sucks, Snarf.  I've been made a fool of, and no one seems to know who did such a thing.  I wish someone could help me find out."  Lion-o slouched down and fell asleep.

Snarf decided to take up the challenge, and headed out to someone who he thought might have an idea of what was going on.  After walking for some time, Snarf came to a small house in the woods.  He knocked on the door, and waited for someone to answer.

"Hello?" a kindly voice asked, peeping out the door a crack.  "Oh, hello, Snarf.  How are you?" asked the man, opening the door for Snarf to come in.

"Thank you, Mr. Starr."  Snarf said.  As he entered, he saw a lovely photo hanging in the hall.  "That's a very nice portrait, Leonard."  Snarf remarked.

"Thank you, Snarf.  Now, what can I do for you?" 

"Well, I don't know if you're keeping up with things, but Lion-o just got his ass kicked, and we don't know who did it." explained Snarf.

"Oh, my word!" Leonard exclaimed.  "I never wrote that!  It's one of those pesky fan fiction writer's again, isn't it?"

"I think it must be."  Snarf said shaking his head.  "If it would have been Tygra whose ass was kicked, I'd have suspected RD, but this is just leaving me clueless."

Leonard thought for a while, then came up with an idea.  "You're trying everyone you suspect.  It's time to try someone you don't suspect instead!"

"Brilliant!  Thanks, Mr. Starr!"   Snarf jumped up, gave him a hug, and was off again to do some questioning.

Not long afterward, Snarf was at the Berbil Village.  "Are you sure none of you were kicking Lion-o's ass a few weeks back?"

"I assure you, Snarf, we have not." said Robear Bill.  "Besides, we've had enough on our hands with Lynx-o here grabbing all of our asses.  You must have all be so busy to not notice his missing."

"No, actually, his social security checks stopped coming, so we kicked him out.  He's your problem now."  Snarf laughed, heading to his next destination.

Snarf arrived well after dark in the Treetop Kingdom of the Warrior Maidens.  When he posed his question, he was laughed at by the entire tribe.  "What's so funny, schnarf, schnarf?!" he demanded.

Willa and the others continued to laugh, causing Snarf to become discouraged.  "Oh, schnarf, schnarf, will I ever find out who kicked Lion-o's ass?" he wondered out loud.

Who Kicked Lion-o's Ass?  I haven't a clue in hell!  That's where you come in!  Tell me who you think should have kicked  Lion-o's ass - a villain, an ally, maybe even yourself!  Send me the name of who you think should have kicked Lion-o's ass, and a brief explanation of why, and perhaps your idea will be picked for the second and final part of "Who Kicked Smarmy Lion-o's Ass?"  Send all suggestions to... zhie@queencheetah.com

Here's the first suggestion to Who Kicked Lion-o's Ass, sent in by the Beast.  Go Here to see who the Beast thinks it was.