Just Dessert(s)
A helpful explanation of the desserts found in Plot Bunny Number Nineteen
By Zhie, with help from Haldir, Legolas, Elladan, and Elrohir
In answer to questions posted upon the Haldir Lovers yahoo!group regarding Angel Food Cake
January 13, 2004
Zhie steps forward, trying to shoo away a white bunny that is persistently nipping at her ankles.
Zhie: Apparently, some of the desserts in here were confuzzling, so here's a sweet little run down of each one of them. I am going to be aided by Haldir, Legolas, and the twins, who will be helping to describe each of the items as it comes up in the story.
Haldir: (to Legolas) Notice, my name is listed first here as well.
Legolas: (crossing his arms) Well...I'm still older than you...
Haldir: (snorting) Enjoy it while it lasts, most fanfiction authors make you a Third Age elf.
Legolas: (Wide-eyed and pouting) Take that back!
Zhie: (Stepping between them to stop any possible fighting) Using the transcript, we'll go through and see what was being offered that day in Oropher's palace. Legolas, how will you be describing each one of the desserts?
Legolas: (Stepping forward smugly since his name was mentioned first this time) I will be describing the dessert using a color.
Zhie: All right. Haldir?
Haldir: For each selection, I shall pair it with a 20th century actor or actress and also a popular musical. This will help to give insight into the texture and flavor of the dessert.
Legolas: (Under his breath) He's always showing off...
Zhie: That shall be...interesting...El and El?
Elrohir: In all fairness, I shall try to give a poetic description of the dessert, so that the ladies have at least some idea of what is going on, while El does an interpretive dance.
Elladan: And I shall be summarizing my brother using a one-word phrase at the end of my performance.
Zhie: Just knowing that, I might have to post this to the humor challenge. Right then, let's look at the transcript of the second part of 'Forgive and Forget' and see what was being eaten.
Legolas: (Still mumbling) There's a shameless plug if ever I saw one.
Zhie: Starting with the first instance…
>Legolas licked each of the prongs of his fork separately, savoring the very last taste of the dessert.
Zhie: So…what were you eating, Legolas?
Legolas: I can't recall.
Zhie: It was the first one you had!
Legolas: No, actually, it was the sixth one…the first five didn't make it to the story.
Zhie: Well, let's start with the first one we know of, then.
>"Frosted apple pastry, and half a slice of blueberry." Legolas winked and swung his leg over the side of the stool.
Zhie: Let's begin with Legolas, and then Haldir can give his description, followed by the twins. We'll have to split this into two, since there are two separate desserts. Legolas? * Passes Legolas a plate with apple pastry on it to him *
Legolas: * After taking a bite. * Chartreuse. * Passes the plate to Haldir *
Haldir: * Studies the pastry for a bit before taking a bite * Cyd Charisse, and the musical is "Oklahoma". * Passes the plate to the twins, who finish off the desert. *
Elrohir: Oh, pastry! ( Elladan spreads his arms out before him ) How you slay me! ( Elladan grabs at his heart and falls to the ground ) Your lightly drizzled honey glaze can send me into bliss for days. ( Elladan sits up, drawing his hands out in front of him as he wiggles his fingers and grins )
Elladan: Flat.
Zhie: * Doesn't know whether to laugh or run away and looks at the camera * Orophin, you getting all of this? * The camara nods up and down. * Good. Because I am going to have to see this later to believe it. * Picks up a plate with a half slice of blueberry pastry on it and gives it to Legolas.
Legolas: * After a minute of debate * Blue.
Haldir: * Shaking his head after he is given the plate. * Kirstie Alley and "West Side Story"
Elrohir: Such deep and passionate flavor ( Elladan clasps both hands before him and sighs ) from such a tiny fruit. (Elladan uses his thumb and finger to show just how tiny a blueberry is )
Elladan: Sweet.
Zhie: I really don't think we're aiding anyone with this, but since it's going to make such great blackmail footage…
>"Suit yourself." Legolas set the tray down and perched himself upon the stool to Haldir's right. He licked his lips as he brought forward a large piece of iced chocolate cake drizzled with strawberry syrup.
Legolas: * After trying a bite of the cake in question. * Blue-violet.
Haldir: * Swipes his finger across the icing and licks it off as he is thinking. * Mmmm…Lauren Bacall…and "Moulin Rogue"
Elrohir: Lusciously moist, sinfully smooth ( Elladan just dances around behind Elrohir, swaying his arms around ) with a decadent hint of heavenly taste.
Elladan: Squishy.
Haldir: Squishy? Squishy is for…bananas, not for cake.
Elladan: Hey, I don't see you doing any real interpretation.
Zhie: Gentlemen, please! Time for the next desert…
Elladan did the same, but was eyeing up a >dish of banana pudding.
Zhie: * Hands the bowl of pudding to Legolas, but shouts to Elladan * I don't think you can use the same word twice, or that would confuse everyone.
Elladan: As if anyone isn't confused already…
Legolas: Tan.
Haldir: *Again, he uses his fingers, this time dipping two of them into the pudding before closing his eyes and soundlessly sucking the pudding from them. * Katharine Hepburn, and "Singin' in the Rain".
Elrohir: Swirled and whirled ( Elladan spins around ) stirred, not shaken (Elladan jumps up and down ) Smooth and groovy ( Elladan give the 'peace' sign ) Sometimes baken.
Elladan : Yum.
Zhie: All right, next one is…
Elrohir nodded in >agreement, and moments later, was licking the frosting off of a large and fluffy cupcake, careful not to get any of the sprinkles caught in his beard.
Zhie: Okay, here's the cupcake in question. * Holds up a yellow cupcake the size of a muffin with fluffy white butter frosting and multi-colored sprinkles on top.* Sometimes, I try to make things ambiguous so that people can use their own imagination. Could have been a chocolate cupcake with mint frosting, or blue frosting, or whatever. But this is the one we're using. * Hands it to Legolas * Oh, and it's cream filled, too.
Legolas: * Bites into the cupcake. * Yellow.
Haldir: * Takes the cupcake and flicks his tongue into the cream filled center, capturing a bit of it on the end of his pink tongue before drawing it into his mouth. He licks his lips before answering * Marilyn Monroe. "No Business Like Show Business"
Elrohir: * Passes on the cupcake * Silly sprinkles, silly, silly. Very, very, very silly. ( Elladan hops around and jumps about in an odd sort of manner. )
Elladan: * Stomping over to Elrohir * You did that on purpose!
Elrohir: * Grinning. * Yes. Yes I did. ( Elladan pouts ) Oh, but you did it so well, and the ladies, I am sure, appreciate it on some level.
Zhie: Moving right along…
>"Well, I don't know Dwarvish songs, either." Legolas pulled a puffy pastry with raspberries and cream to the front of his hoard.
Zhie: Now this pastry, * Holds it up * is much like an apple dumpling, but with loads of raspberries instead. And instead of the cream being topped onto the desert, it is squirted around the sides of it. * Tilts the dish so everyone can see before giving it to Legolas *
Legolas: * Takes three or four bites before he can make a decision. * Red-violet. *Passes the plate to Haldir *
Haldir: * While Zhie isn't looking, Haldir motions for Orophin to do a close-up. The camera zooms in as Haldir breaks off a piece of the crust and scoops up a good amount of fruit with it, then carefully takes his time licking the raspberries from the crust, looking into the camera lens (and hence, at any of the ladies reading, er, watching) with a very predatory expression.*
Zhie: *Finally looking over at what is taking so long. * Haldir! Knock it off, this is a family show!
Haldir: * Stuffs the crust into his mouth and munches it quickly. * Halle Berry, and the musical is "Brigadoon".
Elrohir: A golden treasure, such sweetness within. ( Elladan stands on his head, and flips backwards ) Delicious. Scrumptious. Raspberrilicious. ( Elladan rubs his stomach at the same time as he pats his head )
Elladan: Round.
Zhie: (Mostly to Orophin ) I wonder if anyone's going to sue us after this is over with.
>"He's an elf." Elladan shrugged, now concentrating his efforts on a bowl of lavender custard. "Of course he can sing."
Zhie: And here we come to it, lavender custard, which I threw in having no clue what it looked like, tasted like, or even if it was a real dessert. Thankfully, it is, and here is some of it. * Hands a bowlful to Legolas *
Legolas: * Peering into the bowl * Ochre.
Haldir: * Crossing his arms * The pudding is called 'lavender' and you say 'ochre'?
Legolas: Yes. * Holds out the bowl to Haldir. *
Haldir: * Sniffing at the contents * Greta Garbo… "The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"
Legolas: Not to be mistaken with the Adventures of Mary, Queen of the Dessert.
Elrohir: * Takes the bowl and passes it to Elladan * Floral delight like a moonlit foam, caressing like the ocean waves, far away from home.
Elladan: *Who is standing eating the custard instead of dancing, is too wrapped up eating to make any contribution *
Zhie: This next one should be just as interesting as the others…
>"We knew he could." Corrected Elrohir, stabbing at the air with the fork from his lemon pie to make his point. "We just did not expect him to do so in public."
Zhie: Now, by lemon pie, * holds up the plate * I left things open so that it could be plain lemon or lemon meringue pie. The elves have chosen the latter. * Hands the plate to Legolas *
Legolas: * Doesn't even taste it before passing it on. * Yellow.
Haldir: The musical: "Hello, Dolly!". The actress: Cate Blanchett.
Legolas: Cate Blanchett? Lemon pie? She's closer to angel food cake than she is to lemon pie.
Haldir: She is my moth- I mean, a talented actress, and if I say she is lemon pie, what I say goes.
Legolas: No it doesn't!
Haldir: Yes, it does. If you can make lavender pudding ochre, I can make Nana, er, Cate, be lemon pie.
Zhie: *Stepping between them, because Haldir is looking as if he might throw the pie at Legolas * Guys! Galadriel isn't even going to see this.
Legolas and Haldir: Oh.
Elrohir: * Clears his throat loudly until everyone is focused on him and his brother. * Fluffy top with golden crown. ( Elladan makes a motion of fluffiness on his head, but it looks more like he's shampooing his hair ) Bright and joyful, but - beware! ( Elladan jumps back suddenly ) Dangerous in large quantities. (Elladan grabs his throat as if he has been poisoned)
Legolas: Well, when you say it that way…
Elladan: * Rushing to the front to complete his performance * Kinslayer!
Zhie: Elladan! * Turns to Orophin * That can be edited, right? * The camera nods up and down. * Say something nice about her, Elladan.
Elladan: * He flounders a bit, not finding words *
Orophin: ( From behind the camera ) I am so showing this to Nana.
Elladan: Wait, no! Hold on! Uh, super. Yeah! Great! Excellent!
Zhie: Moving along…
Elladan: Marvelous! Stupendous!
Zhie: The next item is described with this passage. > "Have I tried that?" he asked Gimli, pointing to a three-layer cake with blue and green frosting.
Zhie: * Pulls out a three-layer cake, each later being a different color - yellow, pink, and orange. * Here we are.
Legolas: * Stares blankly at the cake * Uh…I think you guys can do this one without me…
Haldir: * Takes the plate from Zhie and looks from her to the cake and back again *
Zhie: Oh, no. I'm not turning my back on you this time.
Haldir: * Frowns and picks up the fork to sample a bite * The musical is "A Chorus Line". However, finding a good representation…hm…I will have to say Meryl Streep.
Zhie: Just like the last eight, I am completely confused.
Elrohir: Colors of the bright sunrise, ( Elladan spreads his arms up over his head ) hidden beneath a snowy surprise. (Elladan curls into a ball) Upon the snowy fields lay the colors of a warm spring day. (Elladan slowly unfolds himself like a blooming flower)
Elladan: Rainbow.
Zhie: This is so useless. On to the next one. > >"Yes, just after the plum cobbler."
Zhie: I'm not even passing this around. * Starts to eat the cobbler herself * You guys are going way too fast for not having planned some of this ahead of time.
Legolas: Purple.
Haldir: Bea Arthur. "Oliver".
Elrohir: * Rattling off the poetry in a very bored fashion, unlike the other times during which he performed with a flourish * Fall harvest fruit, succulent and small, yadda yadda yadda.
Elladan: *Having sat on the floor the entire time. * Prunes.
Zhie: * Puts the plate back onto the table.* Well, that was charming. Next? > >"And that?" he pointed now to a plate of long cookie tubes filled with mint cream.
Zhie: * Bites off the end of a cookie and looks at the elves expectantly *
Elrohir: That's not fair. Those things taste like thin mints, and you know what thin mints do to an elf.
Legolas: He's right. You should pass those around at least.
Zhie: These * She holds up the canister to the camera * are actually commercially manufactured cookies that have some of the same minty flavor as thin mints, but just aren't the same. * Tosses the can in the direction of the elves *
Legolas: Green. * He happily grabs a few from the jar before passing it along.*
Haldir: *Takes a cookie before passing the container on. * "Sound of Music", Audrey Hepburn.
Elrohir: Snap…crack…munch…crunch…gone… ( Elladan kinda just throws himself dramatically around the place at each word )
Elladan: Crispy.
Zhie: Ah, the ever popular brownies…
>Gimli nodded. "Right before the caramel brownies."
Zhie: Chocolate brownies, with swirls of caramel across the top.
Legolas: Gold.
Haldir: *Mummbling to Elladan * I just don't get where he comes up with these, either…we might have to vote Legolas off the island..oops, my turn. Jennifer Lopez, and "Mary Poppins".
Zhie: Hold it. * Walks over and shoves a plate of caramel brownies into Haldir's hands. * How can you even fathom Jennifer Lopez AND Mary Poppins from THESE?
Haldir: Well, first of all, they truly are supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, and second, eating enough of them will…put a few pounds…on the booty…
Zhie: * Walking away with her face in her hands * I just can't believe what these elves are saying this evening…
Elrohir: Ripples of amber across the warm ground. ( Elladan uses his hands to make zig-zaggy motions across the floor)
Elladan: Chewy.
Zhie: Well, now, not to get confused since caramel brownies will be mentioned here, our next dessert…ah, I know who has been waiting for this one.
>Haldir licked his lips. Too bad Elrohir had eaten all of the caramel brownies. "What about this?" He picked up a slice of fluffy white cake. It was quite plain, but smelled deliciously fresh.
Zhie: * Hands a slice of angel food cake to Legolas. *
Legolas: This time, I get to eat it. * Wolfs down the entire piece rather quickly. His cheeks are puffed out and filled with angel food cake.* White. *His reply is partially muffled by the food in his mouth. *
Haldir: For the musical, "Once Upon a Mattress". For the actress…Liv Tyler. * Haldir suddenly has a dreamy sort of look on his face. *
Legolas: * Rolls his eyes but can say nothing, as he is trying not to choke on the cake. *
Elrohir: Spongy, fluffy, puffy cake ( Elladan hops around as if he is walking on clouds ) Takes not very long to bake. Bitter batter ( Elladan pulls a face ), sweet when done ( Elladan smiles ) This desert is number one! ( Elladan gives a thumbs up )
Elladan: Fluff.
Zhie: *Gives Legolas a pat on the back to keep him from choking on the cake he is still trying to swallow. * Considering it would be bad if any injuries occurred from desserts, I am not even going to give these to any of you. > >Legolas stretched forward, picking up a candied apple by the stick that was in it. "What, these?"
Legolas: * Sits down, slightly out of breath and makes a motion that he has to sit this one out. *
Haldir: I am going to choose Pamela Anderson and "Mame" for this particular dessert. This is because-
Zhie: * Holding up a hand * Stop. Don't want to know.
Elrohir: Large ripe fruit, plucked from bough. Sweet autumn nectar spills forth, behind a carmel smile. ( Elladan, unable to figure out a way to interpret his brother's words, simply shrugs )
Elladan: Apple-y.
Zhie: Thankfully, there is only one left, because this is honestly painful for me to watch, and I can only imagine how many have been killed from reading this… > >"These?" Legolas held up a plate of chocolate covered strawberries. > Zhie: I think perhaps we should stop it right here -
Legolas: No, I have to do the last one.
Elladan: We'll just have to sacrifice ourselves for it.
Legolas: The color is red. Definitely red. Haldir?
Haldir: Let me see…for a musical, I will choose "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", and I think for the actor or actress…well, I don't want to be biased, I've used actresses all night. I'm going to have to say that dashingly handsome, charming fellow named, uh, I think he calls himself Craig Parker…
Legolas: *Nearly choking on any cake remnants in his mouth * Craig Parker!?
Haldir: * Nods *
Legolas: No bloody way in hell is Craig Parker chocolate covered strawberries.
Haldir: But he is.
Legolas: No. No, no, no. *Stomps over to the tray of dipped strawberries and picks one up * This is not at all Craig Parker.
Haldir: * Folding his arms over his chest * And I suppose you'd go and try to get me to believe that 'Roland Blomm' guy is more of a chocolate covered strawberry.
Legolas: * Glaring * It's Orlando Bloom, and yes. He. Is. * Throws the strawberry onto the tray.
Haldir: Sure, whatever.
Elladan: I rather think they remind me of - oh, crap! * Turns to Elrohir * This is what happens when our characters don't get cast into movies!
Elrohir: Bakshi, Rankin and Bass, and now Jackson! Don't they know who the real stars of Middle Earth are?
Zhie: * Frantically trying to get Orophin to cut, but the camera keeps rolling.*
Elladan and Elrohir: *Both of them sit down and speak quietly to one another *
Elladan: Wait, they did get someone for Ada.
Elrohir: Ada is truffles.
Elladan: Granpapa?
Elrohir: Rum cake.
Elladan: Glorfindel?
Elrohir: Strawberry custard sundae.
Elladan: * sighs * With whipped cream.
Elrohir: And sprinkles.
Elladan: And a cherry on top.
Elrohir and Elladan: * Collective sigh *
Elladan: Erestor?
Elrohir: Black Forest Cake.
Elrohir and Elladan: * Another collective sigh *
Elrohir: Wait…rum…black…you thinking what I'm thinking?
Elladan: * Grins * Aye, avast!
Legolas: Hey, that's my line!
Elladan: We came up with who chocolate covered strawberries is!
Haldir: I'm glad you've decided to agree with me and-
Elrohir: It's Johnny Depp!
Legolas: Wait…he's not even an elf.
Elladan: But he's very close.
Zhie: Okay, this is enough. This has far deteriorated as the evening progressed, and now, it is time for - hey, where did the rabbit go?
Legolas: *Pointing under a tree * It's over there, fast asleep.
Everyone: Awwwwww…
Everyone looks around at each other and then - runs!
The tape goes blank, but after a few seconds, the picture comes back. It is slightly out of focus and is patiently adjusted. The scenery is quite different and it appears to be late at night. The camera is set on the ground. After a few seconds, a plate of chocolate covered strawberries is placed off to the side. Boots come into view for a moment, but then someone repositions himself on the grassy ground.
It is Haldir, wearing naught but boots and leggings, and he is lounging now on his stomach, propped up with his left arm and elbow. He smiles devilishly at the camera, reaching with his right hand to take a strawberry from the plate. Grasping it carefully by the stem, he turns the strawberry upside down and brings the chocolate dipped fruit to his lips, suckling on the tip before swirling his tongue around the berry, ever keeping his eyes focused so that whomever might be watching would have their eyes focused upon his.
The chocolate has softened a bit in the warm night air, leaving a faint trace upon his lips, which he slowly and carefully cleans away with his tongue. Using his tongue once again, he draws it around the chocolate before deciding upon a different approach to get to the hidden fruit. He begins to breath warm air upon the thin layer of chocolate that remains, and soon the liquid slips down from the strawberry and begins to slide down his fingers and hand. He is sure to clean all of the chocolate thoroughly from each finger before taking an interest once more in the strawberry.
Sucking on it once again so that he does not miss any of the dark treat that surrounded it, he tilts his head back ever so slightly and moves the strawberry above his mouth, biting it off from the stem. A few stray drops of juice begin to slide down his chin, but he tosses the stem to the side and uses one finger to collect the sweet nectar until it reaches his mouth once more. There, he draws his finger between his lips before sliding it cleanly back out again. He even chews the fruit sensuously, slowly and dreamily, never once looking away, never once blinking.
He swallows the fruit and gives a wink before reaching forward and shutting the camera off.