Seven Pages of Silliness

A response to things that happened on the HL list, and the root of much evil that was to come.

Whoa…you guys are in trouble… *Glances across the library, where Grima is looking through the CD collection to find 'Barry White's Greatest Hits'* …deep, deep trouble. I am just so relieved I didn't get involved with any of that mess, believe you me.

* Zhie shakes her head and goes back to cataloging books. Silently, an elleth makes her way over to the desk and sits down on the side of it. Zhie looks over warily but doesn't make a move. The elleth looks around innocently, then quickly reaches over the side of the desk and pulls open the cabinet door. Out tumble a dozen pairs of sharp scissors and hundreds of pre-made spitballs. *

"Hey, stop that." Zhie attempts to shove the door closed with her foot, but most of the stuff slides or rolls across the floor. She kicks the majority of it under her desk. "Don't you have a mirror to look into or something?"

"Well, that's the interesting part of it," says Galadriel, smoothing out her very glowy dress before folding her hands. "I was just looking in my mirror, and saw something quite interesting…"

"And that's all the time we have, g'night folks!" Zhie tries unsuccessfully to push Galadriel off of the desk, but the elleth swiftly is off of the desk and walking around it.

"I was just using it to locate my husband - you haven't seen him, have you?" The lady asks, glaring a bit, and Zhie merely shrugs and feigns innocence, finding something remarkably interesting to look at on the ceiling. "And I saw someone sitting at a computer, laughing quite a lot, and writing up an awful lot of responses that were sent from her email."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Galadriel reaches into her pocket and pulls out a sheet of paper, unfolding it. "I suppose this won't much matter to you, then." She holds up a picture, and clearly, one has manipulated the image so that Gimli appears to be one of the Galadhrim.

"Hey! How'd you get that!" Zhie tries to grab the paper, but finds it difficult being almost a foot shorter than the lady. Then, suddenly realizing she isn't supposed to be interested in the paper, sits back down. "Take it, then, I care not."

Galadriel raises a brow. "Oh, good. Because I just bought myself a new scanner for Christmas, and-"

"Alright, what do you want." Hisses Zhie, still trying to keep up appearances with a cheezey fake smile. Across the room, Grima is looking at them with some concern, but still is set on finding Barry White's Greatest Hits.

"Give me my husband."

"I don't know what you're-"

"It's an HP, with 2400x3600 resolution-"

"Okay, look," Zhie sighs. "I need him a little bit longer. A teensy, tiny bit longer. Just a couple of days. I promise you'll have him back for Christmas. With a big red bow on his head, if you like."

"You've had him for a month already."

"I know, I know." Zhie opens up her Frontpage files. "But look at this neat idea I came up with. Instead of releasing the stories as I was writing them, I've kept them hidden away on here. Come Christmas, there's going to be lots of presents on my site for people to open. Pretty cool, huh?"

Galadriel considers this for a moment. "And you are still in need of Celeborn because…"

"Because everyone knows you can't tie a decent bow on a package unless you have a second person, er, elf, helping." Explains Zhie.

Galadriel narrows her eyes. "These are gifs and jpgs. You don't have to actually tie bows on them."

"It's the principle of the matter." Pouts Zhie, trying unsuccessfully to sneak the picture away from Galadriel.

"Fine." Galadriel tucks the picture into her pocket. "You have four days. If Celeborn is not returned to me by then, this is going up on every message board and group I can find. Make the bow silver, I don't like the color red."

"I don't know, silver ribbon is in short supply this time of year…"

"Did I mention my new scanner also doubles as a color copier? Perfect for duplicating such images so that they can be distributed-"

"Silver ribbon, silver tree. Smart lady, good thinkin'."

Galadriel leans down a little. "And, as further incentive for you to return to me what is rightfully mine," the lady lowers her voice and whispers so that only Zhie can hear, darting her eyes a couple of times at the pale faced dark haired guy sorting through the Barry White CDs.

Zhie's jaw drops. "You wouldn't."

Galadriel merely smiles and gracefully leaves the room. On her way out, she stops by the man at the CDs, and gives him a sideways half-hug sort of thing. "Happy Holiday, Grima." She says, before walking away. Grima looks a little miffed, but shrugs and mumbles 'Tis the season…" before triumphantly raising the Barry White's Christmas Favorites CD into the air.

At her desk, Zhie is hurridly shoving everything that fell out of her desk back into it. "This really isn't exclusively MY desk…I let all kinds of people sit at it…Glorfindel…Erestor…Orophin…I bet this stuff is all Oro's. Yeah, he loves to stockpile spitballs. I know, I read about it once in a fanfic…" Zhie clears her throat. "Well, it seems as if I'm going to have a busy few days ahead of me." She pauses as she is approached by a patron. "Excuse me a moment, have to check these items out here…" Zhie scans the patron's card and looks at the items as she's checking them out. "Barry White Christmas Favorites…Songs to Shag By…Middle Earth Love Ballads…ah, and the new book out of Rivendell, Eldar Love Secrets by the anonymous Lord G. of the House of the Golden Flower, Retired Balrog Slayer. Well, you're going to have some fun with those. Have a great holiday…" She waits for the patron to leave. "Okay, so, as I said, I'm going to be busy. But come Christmas day (or, perhaps Christmas Eve, if I get things finished soon enough), I plan to have a few goodies under the mallorn tree to share with everybody. Until then, this is Zhie, signing off, and saying, Gimli the Galadhrim? I don't know what you're talking about…"

"Are we ready? Are we on air?" asks Zhie. Orophin, holding up the video camera, gives her a thumbs up. She clears her throat and lifts the microphone. "Mae govannen, and hello from an undisclosed location. I know everyone was expecting to see this evening's episode of 'Ask That Canon Character', or whatever our show is named, but Erestor has been nice enough to postpone his appearance so that we can bring you a special message regarding a Mr. Wormtongue." Behind Zhie, Rumil and Haldir walk in the path of the camera. Orophin readjusts the focus on his brothers as they pass, and one can note the mallyrn in the background. Rumil suddenly stops and double backs quickly, waving madly at the camera and mouthing 'Hi, Mom!'. Haldir shakes his head, rolling his eyes, as he retrieves his brother and pulls him out of the range of the camera. Orophin focuses once more on the hostess.

"Although it seems a number of ladies are upset regarding the prospect of having to go on a date with Mr. Wormtongue, fear not. Due to an unfortunate incident at the local library this afternoon, criminal charges are being pressed, and he is currently spending the night in jail, and will likely be there for a good length of time. Let's roll that film from the security camera at the library. Oro?"

The screen fades out and then back up, showing Grima Wormtongue leaving this local library, looking fondly over the selections on the Barry White CD. As he is about to pass through the security gate, a librarian scoots by, tosses a couple of books into his satchel when he isn't looking, and scoots away.

"Cut! Oro, that wasn't the one you were supposed to show!" The camera comes back up on Zhie. Behind her, Rumil is waving and is wearing a cheezey smile. Haldir pulls him once again out of the range of the camera.

"Sorry, I played the wrong clip. Let me try this one. Just a sec."

Zhie stops glaring ahead at Orophin when she realizes the feed is live again. "Sorry, folks. Just a moment, we'll be ready to go. I'm sure that other clip was just a…prank by some young punk elves, we'll clear that up in just a moment." Behind her, Glorfindel walks by. After a moment, he passes back around, winking at the camera and smiling. He rolls up his sleeve and begins to flex his muscles. Haldir chases him off screen, and sighs and shakes his hand as he walks back out of range the other way.

"Okay, we're ready." The screen fades out and comes back to a film showing the security elves at the library apprehending Grima and pulling a number of un-checkedout books from his bag.

"But, those aren't mine!" protests Grima. "I hate biographies! Why would I be reading 'The Complete History of Gil-Galad!'. And 'The Silmarillion'? I don't even know who this author is!"

The camera comes back up to Zhie, shaking her head. "A tragic story, folks. Just when Mr. Wormtongue thought he was going to be getting an early Christmas present, such a horrible thing happens. It is with sadness and great sympathy that I tell you, he's probably going to rot in his cell before anyone has to worry about having to date him. Such a travesty. Truly." Zhie winks knowingly to the camera, hoping that seven ladies in particular are watching tonight's show.

Suddenly, hoofbeats can be heard in the distance. Orophin pans the camera, showing two horses approaching with their riders. "Hey! This is a closed set!"

Both elves, clad in the royal garb of Mirkwood, jump from their horses as they pass by and land perfectly next to Zhie. "Your highness. And…junior highness. How unexpected."

"We come with news from Greenwood." Announces Thranduil. He coughs impatiently until Orophin has focused the camera upon him.

"Aye, avast!" Everyone looks at Legolas oddly. He looks back with a bit of surprise, eyebrows raised.

"The kid hasn't been the same since he heard the call of the sea." Says Thranduil apologetically. Everyone nods knowingly.

"News from Greenwood. Good news?" asks Zhie hopefully.

Legolas laughs nervously and everyone looks at him again. "Come on, it's news from Greenwood. Good news from Greenwood? Now there is a fair jest."

"I, ah, I don't think I want to hear the news." Says Zhie.

"It is news concerning Mr. Wormtongue." Adds Thranduil.

Zhie throws the microphone down to the ground. "If you tell me he escaped the prison of Mirkwood-"

"Greenwood. Prison of Greenwood." Corrects Thranduil.

"Oh, great. He escaped out of the cell. That's lovely."

"No, he didn't escape from his cell." Interrupts Legolas. "T'is better than that." He is on the verge of laughing.

Zhie picks up her microphone. "Alright. Let's have it then."

Thranduil crosses his arms. "Well, things were going quite well. We had him secured in the cell, and I gave order that there was to be at the very least ONE sober guard in the palace."

"Good to have one at least." Zhie says.

"Yes, that idea came from Legolas. Smart boy. Strange, but smart." Explains Thranduil. Legolas nods in agreement, then suddenly looks confused as he thinks about what his father just said. Behind them, Rumil is waving again and Glorfindel is flexing. Haldir has given up trying to keep them away, and is further back drinking from a bottle of miruvor. "But I felt so bad for him. Such a piteous little creature he was. Reminded me so much of that cute little greenish thing we had in the dungeon."

"Gollum?" asks Zhie.

"Gollum? No, no, Gollum was creepy. No, that gnarled thing that used to live down there." Thranduil snaps his fingers trying to recall. "Legolas, ion-nin, what was that thing called?"

"Ah…Auntie Thalanemdiel?"

"No, she was more…yellowy…"

"Uncle Rochwenion?"

"Yes, yes, that's the one. Rochwenion. Used to call him Roachy. Told you the boy was smart." Thranduil affectionately ruffles Legolas' hair, causing some of it to stand straight up. Legolas desperately tries to push it down. Haldir notices his struggle, points and laughs, and falls off of the branch he was sitting on. Legolas turns around and snarls at the elf laughing on the ground. Noticing Rumil and Glorfindel, he rolls his eyes and turns back to the camera.

Zhie makes a motion to Orophin to turn off the camera, but Orophin doesn't understand the signal, and instead does a close up of Zhie, before panning back. Rumil is now standing behind Legolas making bunny ears. Glorfindel is trying to help up the slightly intoxicated Haldir.

"Anyhow," continues Thranduil, "I felt really, really terrible about keeping him cooped up. So, I took him outside with some of the guards and let him climb a few of the trees. He looked so…happy up in the branches."

"I think I know where this is going." Says Zhie. "Agents of the enemy rescued him? Orcs suddenly attacked?"

Thranduil shakes his head. "No, actually, things were going quite well. And then, the lady showed up."

Zhie nearly chokes. Glorfindel rushes over and pats her on the back. Haldir stumbles up and offers her the bottle, from which she takes a swig before handing it back. "I'm sorry, did you just say the lady showed up?"

"Yes, yes I did." Thranduil nods. "It is rather unusual to see her in Greenwood. She had a large picnic basket, and she uncovered it to reveal, oh, let me recall…there was honey, and chocolate syrup, and marshmallows, and fudge, and, um…"

"Thin mints." Speaks up Legolas with a grin. He darts his tongue over to the side of his mouth, then uses his thumb to wipe something from the corner of his mouth. "Lots of thin mints."

Zhie blinks and leans over. "Is that…is that thin mint on your breath!?" Legolas shakes his head and turns away quickly. "Unbelievable."

"And when all was said and done, well, Grima was just gone." Says Thranduil.

"Unbelievable." Repeats Zhie. "So, what…what exactly was said and done?"

Just at that moment, the Lady of the Golden Woods walks past the camera, in front of everyone else, looks into the camera lens, winks, and continues to walk by. Legolas looks after her longingly, raising a hand to get her attention. When it appears he has it, he mouths, 'Call me' and smiles. He is whacked on the back of the head by Rumil, who sniffles and looks down at the ground. "That's my mommy…" he mumbles, walking away. Haldir sobers up and runs over with Glorfindel to comfort Rumil, punching Legolas in the shoulder as he walks by. "That's my mommy, too." he tells him.

Zhie looks around at the elves in the area. "Well, this is really not going the way I wanted it to."

"Uh, Zhie!" shouts Orophin. "We're still live!"

"By the way," adds Thranduil. "The Lady said I should tell you you're really down to only three days now. Whatever that means."

Zhie gives a half-hearted smile before turning back to the camera. "Well, I did my best. Sorry, ladies, looks like Grima is back on the loose. He's armed with Barry White CDs and frankly, that alone makes him dangerous. Approach with caution. Thanks for watching our show today. Tune in next week, when either our guest will finally be Erestor, or, I'll be in hiding because I haven't returned Celeborn to Galadriel. This is Zhie, signing off for now."